Recently my little car has been rather unwell, turning the key in the ignition caused only a clicking noise, nothing more. No fire of life, no roar of the engine, no gentle hum as he settled into a heartbeat rhythm. My little car was not a well thing at all.
The clicking noise indicated a starter motor issue…for those of you who are unsure of the anatomy of a Mercedes Benz Classic, the engine is at a 45° angle, the starter motors are just below it. To replace the motors you must first “drop” the engine to get access. It’s not an easy, or cheap, job.
Yesterday I thought to try seeing if he would start to go to the Remembrance day parade…he wouldn’t, but this time his symptoms were different. Spluttering, lights flickering, the clicking noise louder than ever….
“There’s no power” I murmured sadly to my mum “it’s the battery….the battery is weak”.
This threw the starter motor idea into question so last night the battery was removed from the Loki-motion (for those interested the battery is located under the driver’s seat) and hooked up to a charger. The heart of the car, my beloved Loki-motion, sat on a unit in the kitchen.
Just like me, his heart was broken. The charger told me how dire it was, but it is not permanent damage – if this battery is broken, I will replace it with a better one, a heavy duty one. I wished it was that easy to do with a heart afflicted by emotional scars…but then, don’t these scars eventually heal, making it stronger? Or do we merely build mental walls around something emotionally broken…giving the impression it is stronger than before? When really it is weak and dependant on something else for protection?
Today I feel as though something is “missing” from me, as though a part has been removed, much like that of my car’s battery (except that I am aware that something is missing, the Loki-motion obviously isn’t). I don’t know what it is, but I feel like I’m reaching for something only for there to be an empty space where it’s usually sat. Something that’s been keeping me calm, keeping me optimistic, stopping me from being bitter, stopping me from being hateful. Whatever part of me that has gone on vacation has left me feeling rather bad tempered and agitated, the slightest thing making me want to lose my controlled grasp on anger.
I’m a little bit confused about it all, especially given that when making the morning cuppa I threw an absolute hissy fit when the tea bag split and leaves went everywhere. Shit happens, and that was such a silly thing to get annoyed about! I had plenty of other tea bags, there was hot water still in the kettle, milk in the fridge….I mean, really? I threw a strop over nothing!
I’d blame PMS but it isn’t that time of the month….I’d blame the tea bag but I’m pretty sure I may have split it with a spoon (I know that sounds a bit illogical but I think it’s the same bastard spoon that I managed to cut my finger with), I’d blame those muppets on Facebook that confuse “our” with “are”…but these things do not usually bother me.
I don’t know what that something is that is AWOL, but today I feel like I can’t function properly without it. I’m angry about things that have no bearing on anything! Just stupid minute things. Part of me wonders if it is because the Christmas adverts have started already…that this year I won’t be drinking mulled wine while walking under the blue lights entwined in the trees of the Southbank, instead I’ll be observed with a reserved sympathy by my extended family (especially now my mother has told a few of them that my skin was a nightmare – I have acne damnit! – and that I’ve put weight on – I still think I’m ok as I’m as a UK size 8-10!)…this year I will have uncomfortable questions to answer as to why things fell apart. Questions I have no answers to.
For the first time in my life, I am dreading Christmas…really dreading it. I wish I didn’t, my parents love that time of year…my mum especially. I shouldn’t dread it…after all, what follows is the ending of the year, and the beginning of a new one…a better one I hope.
I’m guessing today is probably down to “wrong side of the bed” syndrome…a nap will cure it I’m sure.
**Update – for those concerned about Loki-motion, the battery was put back in today, and he started to life with me shrieking “he’s alive!” in a manner akin to Doctor Frankenstein…fingers crossed it was just a blip**
PS – today’s song of the day is:
The Cardigans – My Favourite Game (This was always a great song to drive too….alas, Loki-motion seems to like Rammstein albums only! Which is very peculiar but I can’t argue with his awesome taste in music).