Recently my little car has been rather unwell, turning the key in the ignition caused only a clicking noise, nothing more. No fire of life, no roar of the engine, no gentle hum as he settled into a heartbeat rhythm. My little car was not a well thing at all.
The clicking noise indicated a starter motor issue…for those of you who are unsure of the anatomy of a Mercedes Benz Classic, the engine is at a 45° angle, the starter motors are just below it. To replace the motors you must first “drop” the engine to get access. It’s not an easy, or cheap, job.
Yesterday I thought to try seeing if he would start to go to the Remembrance day parade…he wouldn’t, but this time his symptoms were different. Spluttering, lights flickering, the clicking noise louder than ever….
“There’s no power” I murmured sadly to my mum “it’s the battery….the battery is weak”.
This threw the starter motor idea into question so last night the battery was removed from the Loki-motion (for those interested the battery is located under the driver’s seat) and hooked up to a charger. The heart of the car, my beloved Loki-motion, sat on a unit in the kitchen.
Just like me, his heart was broken. The charger told me how dire it was, but it is not permanent damage – if this battery is broken, I will replace it with a better one, a heavy duty one. I wished it was that easy to do with a heart afflicted by emotional scars…but then, don’t these scars eventually heal, making it stronger? Or do we merely build mental walls around something emotionally broken…giving the impression it is stronger than before? When really it is weak and dependant on something else for protection?
Today I feel as though something is “missing” from me, as though a part has been removed, much like that of my car’s battery (except that I am aware that something is missing, the Loki-motion obviously isn’t). I don’t know what it is, but I feel like I’m reaching for something only for there to be an empty space where it’s usually sat. Something that’s been keeping me calm, keeping me optimistic, stopping me from being bitter, stopping me from being hateful. Whatever part of me that has gone on vacation has left me feeling rather bad tempered and agitated, the slightest thing making me want to lose my controlled grasp on anger.
I’m a little bit confused about it all, especially given that when making the morning cuppa I threw an absolute hissy fit when the tea bag split and leaves went everywhere. Shit happens, and that was such a silly thing to get annoyed about! I had plenty of other tea bags, there was hot water still in the kettle, milk in the fridge….I mean, really? I threw a strop over nothing!
I’d blame PMS but it isn’t that time of the month….I’d blame the tea bag but I’m pretty sure I may have split it with a spoon (I know that sounds a bit illogical but I think it’s the same bastard spoon that I managed to cut my finger with), I’d blame those muppets on Facebook that confuse “our” with “are”…but these things do not usually bother me.
I don’t know what that something is that is AWOL, but today I feel like I can’t function properly without it. I’m angry about things that have no bearing on anything! Just stupid minute things. Part of me wonders if it is because the Christmas adverts have started already…that this year I won’t be drinking mulled wine while walking under the blue lights entwined in the trees of the Southbank, instead I’ll be observed with a reserved sympathy by my extended family (especially now my mother has told a few of them that my skin was a nightmare – I have acne damnit! – and that I’ve put weight on – I still think I’m ok as I’m as a UK size 8-10!)…this year I will have uncomfortable questions to answer as to why things fell apart. Questions I have no answers to.
For the first time in my life, I am dreading Christmas…really dreading it. I wish I didn’t, my parents love that time of year…my mum especially. I shouldn’t dread it…after all, what follows is the ending of the year, and the beginning of a new one…a better one I hope.
I’m guessing today is probably down to “wrong side of the bed” syndrome…a nap will cure it I’m sure.
**Update – for those concerned about Loki-motion, the battery was put back in today, and he started to life with me shrieking “he’s alive!” in a manner akin to Doctor Frankenstein…fingers crossed it was just a blip**
Loki-Lou
PS – today’s song of the day is:
The Cardigans – My Favourite Game (This was always a great song to drive too….alas, Loki-motion seems to like Rammstein albums only! Which is very peculiar but I can’t argue with his awesome taste in music).
Oh god you’re turning into me. Nooooooo!!!
Sue, I adore you very much….so I see no issue with this!
I hope all the problems of the Loki-motion are solved. As for Christmas, maybe today is just one of those days. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day. Look on the bright side, you have plenty of time for that acne to clear up…As far as explaining yourself, I just wouldn’t. Period. Say Happy Christmas!! and tell them you refuse to discuss anything depressing that will piss on your parade. Christmas is full of expectations and is a bad day for lots of people who end up depressed and wondering why. Be happy in spite of it all!!♥♥
Kathy
http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com
I can only promise I that I will try…I think at the moment I’m running low on positive energy and would prefer to just hide away and wallow in self-pity. I know this isn’t healthy, nor is it good for me…but for now I just don’t have it in me to try to be happy.
My skin has been treated for a while though and has cleared up, I have a few scars but nothing more than that. I would have just preferred her not to mention how crappy I’ve been feeling (or the toll in which it has taken on my skin/weight) to a member of my extended family who spends most of his time berating me for not fitting in.
I may wear a “talk to me about how crap my life is for a kick in the balls/ovaries!” t-shirt and see how many people try it. I think I’m just being grumpy, it’ll pass! I know it will. Besides, my the time Christmas rolls around I’ll be so plastered on mulled wine and high on cinnamon to care!
The holidays are always kind of a mixed bag for me. I’m really excited to spend my first Christmas with Carter, but it will be the first Christmas morning of my entire life that I haven’t spent with my parents and sister, as we’ll be going to Carter’s family to stay for Christmas Eve. And I think all of the commercials are bullcrap. No one gets to dance through lightly falling snow to the mall fill with smiling people and buy the perfect presents for everyone on our lists. At least it’s never been like that for me. I’m glad your car came through and that a nap cure what’s been ailing you.
Shopping at Christmas…in my experience anyway…is one of absolute terror! It’s always too busy, you end up in fist fights over a toy, your purse is emptied on things you know the person won’t really use despite them insisting they will, you’re weighed down with presents, said presents end up on the floor when you slip over on ice and throw your back out. That sort of thing.
Screw it I’m ordering everything online this year.
Normally I love Christmas…I’m very family orientated and enjoy being with them (for the most part)…but this year I just want to hide under a duvet and do nothing. Perhaps that’ll change nearer the time. Holiday excitement is generally infectious afterall.
Sometimes we just need a rest, maybe Loki-motion just needed a moment or two to himself
Oh and apparently if you ever have that ‘wrong side of the bed’ feeling again try getting back in and getting out of the otherside, you never know it might work. If it doesn’t then just have a good old stressy and let it all go just for a minute. Sometimes being strong means we have to let go a little.
Love and Hugs, hoping tomorrow is better
Erm…I think an issue with me trying to get out of the bed at the otherside is that there is a wall in the way so I’d probably break my nose or something! …wonder if the urgent care unit at Burnley has any handsome doctors that would treat my broken face if that happened…hmmmm. Think I’ll try that tomorrow morning
I’ve opted for the stressy option but I just feel worse for it…I’ve been distracting myself with the “Rome” boxset and hot chocolate which has made me feel a bit better thankfully…without me having to break my nose. I think I’m bound to have good days and bad, I just need to accept it’s all part of this (part of life in general).
Huggles always welcome!
You can find that stillness in you once again. It’s something to strive for. I hate Christmas, dread it every year, and am already feeling the impending angst, heh.
I’ve been thinking of volunteering in a soup kitchen at Christmas…as a way of putting things into perspective for me. While my life is pretty crappy right now there are people alot worse off than I am. Maybe helping them will make me feel better about things.
And I’m not sure it’s stillness that I want…I want my playful carefree side that appears to have gone AWOL to come back. The part that’s been holding everything else together…without it I’m just a bit lost.
I’m sorry you’re dreading Christmas already
For what it’s worth I’ll probably be hiding on twitter for most of it if you need someone to vent to 
I love the way you made the analogy between your car’s “heart” and your own. As for the questions come Christmas, it’s no one’s business and you don’t have to answer. $hit happens, and often it happens for a reason. Of course it doesn’t seem like that at the time. I’m sure there are better things for you ahead.
Oh, in my family they want to know the far end of a fart – so as you can imagine this drama has piqued their interest much to my dismay. If I thought they were being supportive rather than just generally nosy then it’d be different. I may just go all Bridget Jones “inner poise!” on them.
Guess eventually I need to face their questions and it’d be easier just to get it all out of the way in one fell swoop.
Perhaps the new year will bring something better with it