Goodbye 2012 (New Years Eve)

Posted on December 31, 2012 by Loki-Lou

So it’s New Years Eve…a time to reflect on things, a time to plan resolutions, a time to bid the old year goodbye, and welcome the new year with open arms. We look back at the year, sometimes fondly, sometimes sadly….we think of things we could have done differently, we bury the bad times, we focus on the good, we remember those we’ve lost, we cradle those experiencing this for the first time, we hold our loved ones close, we tell them they mean the world to us. We mean every word of it.

We have hope.

2012 has been a total crisis year for me (as regular readers know)….but despite all the hurt and the pain (physically and emotionally), I wouldn’t change a thing about it. I really wouldn’t. I’m going to share a few things 2012 has taught me, what I’ve lost and what I’ve gained….

2012 has –

- Shown me true heartbreak…..I’ve never felt pain like that before (I hope I never do again)…from this I learned that not only can I love someone to the extent that I feel like my whole being has been split in two without them, BUT it has also taught me that one day someone may feel that way about me (so to be gentle with their heart and their emotions).

- Shown me the betrayal of “friends”…..true friends don’t leave you when you need them, they don’t shun you when your world collapses, and they certainly don’t bonk your ex because they feel sorry for him (in fact they don’t bonk your ex at all). These individuals have been completely deleted from my life…..and replaced with stronger, supportive, beautiful, witty friends who I would do anything for (and I know if I needed their help, they would drop everything to be at my side). I would be nothing without them (and you dear readers….because yes, you’re included!)!

- Shown me that despite everything, your family will do everything in their power to help you….I don’t have a home, so they let me move back into the family home. They support me, they love me, they make me laugh, they defend me…they’ve shown me that despite me loving London as my second home, it will always be just that…and that even once I’ve settled, I don’t want to go far away from them! I need them more than I used to think I did.

- Shown me the kindness of strangers….please don’t just see a homeless person as something/someone to be ignored, sometimes (when the people who were supposed to be your support network fail you and you end up crying at Preston station) they give the best advice and have the greatest listening ears. I’m not saying give them money (as we know it may not go on something they really need), but maybe a coffee or sandwich (or soup given this time of year). This one gent taught me that the world is how you see it, that anyone who breaks your heart doesn’t deserve you and that you should never trust a duck carrying kebab meat!

- Shown me that I needed to change….there are so many aspects of my personality that have changed over the past 12 months, and they really needed to. The person I am now is who I am supposed to be….and I shouldn’t change for anyone (without my ex I’m me again!).

- Shown me that in order to love someone you need to risk being hurt all over again….and that some second chances should be considered a blessing!

- Shown me that…….everything happens for a reason.

Tell your loved ones that you love them, hug them close, enjoy the night…..2012 will soon be gone!

Take care of yourselves and each other tonight x

Loki-Lou

PS – I’m in York tonight watching the fireworks over the Minster, with my loved ones….there aren’t many places I’d rather be.

Todays song of the day is:

Auld Lang Syne (……Obviously!)

(Thus ends 2012….and December NaBloPoMo)

New Years Eve Eve

Posted on December 30, 2012 by Loki-Lou

New Years Eve

“I have finished another year,” said God,
“In grey, green, white, and brown;
I have strewn the leaf upon the sod,
Sealed up the worm within the clod,
And let the last sun down.”

“And what’s the good of it?” I said.
“What reasons made you call
From formless void this earth we tread,
When nine-and-ninety can be read
Why nought should be at all?

“Yea, Sire; why shaped you us, ‘who in
This tabernacle groan’—
If ever a joy be found herein,
Such joy no man had wished to win
If he had never known!”

Then he: “My labours—logicless—
You may explain; not I:
Sense-sealed I have wrought, without a guess
That I evolved a Consciousness
To ask for reasons why.

“Strange that ephemeral creatures who
By my own ordering are,
Should see the shortness of my view,
Use ethic tests I never knew,
Or made provision for!”

He sank to raptness as of yore,
And opening New Year’s Day
Wove it by rote as theretofore,
And went on working evermore
In his unweeting way.

- Thomas Hardy

I’m so excited that New Years Eve is nearly here! I can’t wait to start the new year, to see what it brings….the good and the bad (because you obviously can’t have one without the other). My bags are packed (as we’re spending New Year away from Lancashire) and I’m eagerly awaiting the journey ahead!

To say goodbye to the old and welcome the new, with those I love.

Loki-Lou

PS – today’s song of the day is:

The Rolling Stones – (I can’t get no) Satisfaction (Just because this song is currently stuck in my noggin!).

Thank you

Posted on December 29, 2012 by Loki-Lou

Well my dear readers, the Christmas and Boxing Day madness is out of the way! I hope you all had a fabulous time with those you love, and I hope you got everything you wanted!

I’m still counting down to the New Year…I have been for a long while now. I’ve wanted 2012 to be over with so I can start over a fresh, well, relatively fresh. Somethings will stay the same hopefully!

Anyway…the point of this post is to say that (as many of you know) this year has been nothing short of a nightmare for me. It’s been completely chaotic! I’ve had moments of self-doubt, self-loathing, of love, of hate, of anger, of heartbreak, of family unity, of humility…I’ve felt betrayal, forgiveness, kindness, friendship and support.

I lost friends, I’ve made new friends.

I’ve changed….for the better.

My life has changed…for the better.

Sure there are things to still be improved upon…I need out of the unemployment line, I need to start volunteering, I need to get my own place, blah blah blah. These things will get done…I know they will…because I’m a stubborn cow!

Oh…went on one a bit there….anyway, I just wanted to say thank you…to all of you! For being incredibly supportive, for giving me advice, for helping to pick up the pieces (some of you have been here since the beginning and I’m so thrilled you’ve stuck with me).

I am so grateful! You’ve all been amazing!

I know this journey has been a bit of a rollercoaster…I suspect it will continue to be!

I do need to warn you that in 2013 I will not be taking part in NaBloPoMo, at least not at the beginning, while I get a few things sorted out. I will be blogging 4-5 times a week though! I will work out a regular schedule for you all. I’m not giving up on the blog, I’m just going to make it a bit easier to maintain.

Loki-Lou

PS – todays song of the day is:

The Rembrandts – I’ll be there for you (Oh come on….is there any better choice for this post?)

Post-Boxing Day Part 2

Posted on December 28, 2012 by Loki-Lou

Boxing day as I’ve mentioned before is absolute mayhem for my family…so I thought I’d give you a mini run-down of events:

- 4 very boisterous children (the offspiring of a couple of my cousins, a family friend’s child and my actual cousin) who got hyped up on sugar and plastered stickers all over my face…smushed up my make-up….got bread-stick crumbs in my (very frazzled looking) hair….I’m also bruised everywhere from their attempts at toy-fighting.

- 1 very trashed buffet! (Food on the wall….THE WALL!!!!)

- 2 huge recycling bins (and 2 big bags) worth of cans and bottles….all alcoholic.

- 3 Godparents….1 very pissed off, 1 getting quite pissed, and 1 who fell off the wagon rather dramatically (he’d spent a full 24hr drinking constantly before arriving to our party).

- 1 bottom squeezed by drunken godfather.

- 4 women accosted by drunken godfather (myself included).

- 1 godfather thrown from the house for being a lecherous drunk.

- 100+ “home-truths”…read as probable insults (also +1 very upset Loki-Lou as a result).

- 3 times the same guy missed the toilet and pissed all over the floor of the bathroom…then didn’t tell anyone so the next person ended up walking in it.

- 2 times one drunken member of the clan fell into the back yard because he mis-judged where the door frame was.

- 4 broken glasses, 1 cut foot.

- 15 impressions of Elvis from my step-grandfather.

- 1 very argumentative grandmother (50+ arguements that were pretty much incoherent…may actually have been just 1 arguement to be fair, I couldn’t tell what was being said after a while).

- 5 crayons smushed into the white carpet!

- 2 live football matches on TV (1 excellent win for my team…they weren’t shown on tv though!).

- 20+ tantrums….and I don’t just mean the children.

- 5 very confused pets!

- 7 times “Gangnam Style” was played…..WHY?!

- 3 times I was apologised to by my godfather (the one who wasn’t drunk) because he said “I thought you were gay!” when he found out I had a boyfriend.

- 3 times did I say to my godfather (the one who wasn’t drunk) “yes, I confess! I like men! Oh the shame!” in a rather dramatic manner to emphasise the fact that being gay or straight is not a big deal to me (as long as the person is happy).

- 6 mentions of my Hypothyroidism being a detriment to my life….I don’t consider it that way but hey-ho.

- 1 very sober Loki-Lou.

At least this year there wasn’t any actual fighting….I guess by comparison to previous years this one was actually quite mild!

Loki-Lou

PS – todays song of the day is:

SNAP! – Rhythm is a dancer (just because I danced to this in the supermarket this morning!).

Post-Boxing Day Part 1

Posted on December 27, 2012 by Loki-Lou

So it’s actually 23:21 on Boxing Day night, and I’m huddled up on the sofa watching “Alien”…..alone. Today was our annual party, a tradition that has been developed within my clan since I was a child, friends as well as family attended, the buffet was out early (as was the alcohol) and the festivities began.

I am currently battered and bruised from spending most of the evening babysitting the youngsters of the clan (they’re very boisterous)…I am also very emotionally drained from being bombarded with questions and supposed home-truths.

The thing you need to know about my family, is that they are very opinionated…and they like to share these opinions. Even if they are wrong or hypocritical for doing so. If the person stating the supposed “fact” believes they are right, then they will tell you so.

It is also impossible to keep a secret within this family.

They know the far end of a fart before the gas has even left your ass cheeks!

Today’s topic of conversation was my new boyfriend….but instead of the usual gushings of “how did you meet?”, “how long have you been dating?”, etc etc etc that you would expect when you have a new romance. I was greeted with…

“Ewwwww…..how could you date him again?”

“Didn’t you dump him when he was obsessed with you? You hurt him once you know…you’ll do it again”.

“You’ll be a bitch with him, you know you will”.

“Dating a bit soon after the last one aren’t you? Rebound is he?”

“You’re not good enough for him”.

I actually think (aside from my parents and one aunt) I only heard one pleasant thing said about my new relationship, from a family friend…and I could have kissed her for it!

I’m not perfect.

Last time I did epically fuck up.

While some of my clan may not find my other half to be of their “standard”, I happen to love the guy…I happen to think he is amazing, sweet, intelligent, funny and cute. Also – NOT a meat-head!

Yes I agree with them with the whole I don’t deserve him thing…but he loves me, despite everything…and I intend to all I can to ensure I don’t mess things up this time!

Yes I was a complete bitch to him…along with quite a few other people. But that was when I was younger, and rather messed up…perhaps they need to realise how messed up I was, and how none of them stepped up to help? But that would be dragging up the past, and that just seems rather futile….also, I’ve apologised for my actions!

Part of me feels like I should have dragged all their skeletons from their closets and fought back…given them a taste of their own medicine. Instead, I refused to answer their questions, I opted to babysit the youngsters and colour in pictures of Peppa Pig.

My boyfriend missed today’s party due to illness….a blessing perhaps?

Loki-Lou

PS – I am aware that I have comments to approve/answer, and I promise I will get to them in due time! The problem with this time of the year, is that I have very little free time! BUT I do appreciate you leaving a comment, and I promise I will get around to answering them!

Todays song of the day is:

Alien Ant Farm – Smooth Criminal (Just because I’d forgotten how much I like this band!)

Boxing Day – for my Jiggly Butt Campaigners

Posted on December 26, 2012 by Loki-Lou

Short post today folks as we’re hosting this years Boxing Day family get together…which basically means, I’m playing baby sitter, hostess and provider of alcohol (to those of my clan who are not recovering alcoholics!…so guess I’d better add support worker here too).

I have an absolutely huge family, and this is the day I’ve been dreading the most after the break up as there will no doubt be a lot of questions. Ah well….Let the madness begin!

But before it does….I just wanted to say:

(Snaffled from this tumblr btw)

Remember my lovelies – You are beautiful, you are fabulous, you are awesome!

So shake those jiggly butts!

Loki-Lou

PS – todays song of the day is:

Tyler James – Foolish (“Oooooooo I’m trouble!” Too sodding right I am!)

Merry Christmas!

Posted on December 25, 2012 by Loki-Lou

Ok folks…I have to know – why are you on here reading what I’m waffling about rather than tearing open presents or playing boardgames or getting shit-faced on Sherry? I guarantee that I’m up to my elbows in veggies for the Christmas dinner (sprouts everywhere!…they’re like sand), or wearing a lop-sided paper hat, or possibly even being the murderer in our latest game of Cluedo!

….

Oh, wait….you’re here for the final day of the Advent Calendar aren’t you? Ah, now I understand. Well you lucky buggers, today I couldn’t decide who I wanted for the final day (yes ME, I picked these two!), so you get another two for one! That’s right, today I’m giving you two very sexy, very talented and very lovely gentlemen…..

Today I give you:

(My beautiful mischief maker mentor – Tom Hiddleston)

And:

(The wonderfully adorable fluffy haired Ben Whishaw…ok, adorable doesn’t cut it does it? This guy is seriously hot!)

I appear to have a thing about tall slender blokes with fluffy hair (shhhh Alison!)…..anyway, there you go folks! The calendar is complete for this year (hopefully there will be one next year too!).

Merry Christmas you lovely peeps! I hope you all have a fabulous day full of love and presents and cheer!

Loki-Lou

PS – These two awesome actors were both in The Hollow Crown, if you get chance please watch it! You won’t regret it!

Todays song of the day is:

The Pogues ft Kirsty MacColl – Fairytale of New York (I let my parents pick this song!).

Christmas Eve

Posted on December 24, 2012 by Loki-Lou

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all thro’ the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St.Nicholas soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of sugar plums danc’d in their heads,

And Mama in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,

Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap -

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters, and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow,

Gave the luster of the mid-day to objects below;

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St.Nick,

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and call’d them by name:

“Now! Dasher, now! Dancer, now! Prancer and Vixen,

“On! Comet, on! Cupid, on! Donder and Blitzen;

“To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!

“Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With the sleigh full of toys – and St.Nicholas too:

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney St.Nicholas came with a bound:

He was dress’d all in fur, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnish’d with ashes and soot;

A bundle of toys was flung on his back,

And he look’d like a peddler just opening his pack:

His eyes – how they twinkled! His dimples: how merry,

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry;

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.

He had a broad face, and a little round belly

That shook when he laugh’d, like a bowl full of jelly:

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laugh’d when I saw him in spite of myself;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And fill’d all the stockings; then turn’d with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.

He sprung to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew, like the down of a thistle:

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight -

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

- Clement Clarke Moore

I couldn’t think of anything better to write for Christmas Eve….except have a great day everyone, I hope it’s full of love, hot chocolate, excitement and Christmas movies!

I love you guys and gals!

Loki-Lou

PS – Your eye candy from the Advent Calendar for December 24th comes to you from your beloved bloggy writer (ME!) and my buddy Steph:

(Brian Molko…….I love this guy…no really!)

(And the rather lovely Shannon Leto)

Todays song of the day is:

My Chemical Romance – All I want for Christmas (I know right?! I was thrilled when I heard this version!).

Dear 15 year old self…

Posted on December 23, 2012 by Loki-Lou

Dear 15 year old self,

Here are a few home truths and tidbits for you to look forward to…

- You are a spiteful, hateful, self absorbed individual….or should I just call you a bitch and have done with it. This attitude of yours will change!

- You try too hard to make the wrong people like you when really you shouldn’t bother…they will still kick the shit out of you at any given moment anyway…they are wasted energy!

- You will grow up incredibly quickly when you have to care for someone you love…and as scary as the 2am trips to A&E are, don’t worry, he’ll be ok. Oh, and please don’t resent him, he can’t help what’s happening to him…and he doesn’t mean to cause all this worry!

- You will meet someone who you think you love…he will beat you, he will demean you…you will self harm, you will be depressed. But you will get through it (after a few years of therapy)! Someone unexpected will save you from yourself, he will never know what he prevented from happening, but you are forever in his debt.

- You get a BSc and an MSc….so yes, you are a smart cookie….don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

- You will become so ill that you will beg doctors to kill you…nurses will have to pin you down to administer medication. Your arms will be bruised from their attempts to get needles into your veins. Everything will hurt. You will be confused. Light will cause you to scream in pain. You won’t be able to walk. The medical professionals will have to knock you out. You won’t be lucid enough to remember your own name…you will only fleetingly remember aspects of this (don’t worry, amnesia is perfectly normal after what you go through). But you get through it….your body shut you down because it needed to, it couldn’t cope and you ignored the warning signs. You are not invincible, you need to accept that you need to take care of yourself….and you need to appreciate your life! Your health!

- You will understand pure grief….and experience sharing the grief of others. They are very different experiences…but necessary.

- You will experience London…just as you always wanted. But you will feel isolated…you are a social creature, and in a city such as that, strangers don’t smile and say hi to each other. And they certainly don’t give a shit if they see a stranger crying their eyes out in emotional pain. Trust me with that!

- This one is an important one so listen up….in your first job out of school (yes, it is waitressing!), when you are 16, you will be introduced to your supervisor (who is 6 years your senior). As soon as you set eyes on him you will instantly know you really love him…and it will confuse the hell out of you. You will waste hours just observing him, you will work extra shifts late into the night just to be the last one on shift with him. You will eventually date him….and you will hurt him. Really hurt him. You will break his heart for some stupid reason. Now take note of this bit - this will be your biggest regret! A part of you will always love him, it never goes away, you will wonder how he is, what he’s doing, if he’s happy…you will compare every other man to him (they fail btw), when you smell the spray he used to wear you will be consumed by a love for him. You will miss him everyday…and you will have caused this!

- You will have your own heart broken…quite hellishly I might add. You will lose everything you thought you wanted. It will hurt…emotionally and physically. You will be left with nothing but tattered shreds of an existance.

- Now then girly….I would call that karma! Wouldn’t you? But don’t worry….

- A homeless man will teach you that your view on life was skewed. Your family will rescue your sorry ass from the gutter.The Job Centre and unemployment line will teach you not to judge people so quickly. Each rejected application form will make you more stubborn and drive yourself to succeed. Your friends will help you piece back your shattered personality……And your ex-supervisor will be the one to show you forgiveness.

- Your ex-supervisor will give you your faith in love back. When you meet him again you will realise you can’t live your life without him…and that will shake your whole world. You feel guilt over hurting him all those years ago…but will use this to ensure you will never hurt him again. You will fall in love with him all over again. But you won’t be afraid this time.

- Your life is a chaotic mess….but you wouldn’t have it any other way.

- Even if it was possible to change all of these events…I’m not sure you’d want to. Because to do so would alter your future self…and, while she’s not perfect, she’s actually someone you’d want to be.

Someone you aspired to be.

- While the life your future self has isn’t the one you think you want…it’s the life you’re supposed to have.

- It will make you humble, it will make you appreciative of what you have, you won’t be consumed by hate or self loathing, you will understand how fragile life is, how fragile your heart is, you will understand the hurt you caused by breaking someone else’s heart…you’ll have loyal friends, the broken family bonds will be fixed, and you will have a bloke in your life who loves you for who you are (and you will learn to let go of the regret).

Love, your future self (Loki-Lou – oh, and the nickname will match your personality, trust me with that).

PS – The eye candy from the Advent Calendar for December 23rd comes to you from the fabulous Katie-Lou and fellow mischief maker Alison:

(The pretty cute Nate Reuss)

(And Mr. Hawkeye himself….Jeremy Renner!)

Todays song of the day is:

FUN - Some Nights (because you need to listen to Nate’s gorgeous voice!).

Happiness…

Posted on December 22, 2012 by Loki-Lou

So over the last couple of days I’ve had a bit of an emotional rollercoaster…one which I couldn’t actually articulate on here. I tried but kept failing…I couldn’t seem to find the right words. Quite possibly because I just needed time to process my thoughts, to work out what I actually did want to say. Anyway…

The ex made contact with me directly.

Don’t worry readers…and put your pitchforks away (it’s all fun and games until someone loses a testicle)!…

We were amicable. His life is going rather well and he has a new job that’s keeping him busy (which I forgot to say congratulations for)…I’m happy his life is going well. While I’m sorry I wasn’t the person to make him happy (because even now I still maintain that he deserves to be happy), I’m sure eventually he will find the person he is destined to be with.

I guess I was shocked by the fact he made contact with me….initially a very rash small part of my brain wanted to be incredibly nasty, to say something to hurt him…but I didn’t. The more rational part of my brain stepped in and told it to shush, even now I don’t want to hurt him. I can’t hurt him.

As you can imagine my whole emotional state went into turmoil, complete with full body shakes and crying. I didn’t understand why we were talking now, after everything that has happened. I wondered if things would have turned out differently if we had talked sooner…if things could have been repaired.

Then I realised I wouldn’t want it to be any different.

And that chances are, even if it was repaired that time, the time after it wouldn’t have been.

I also realised that part of my emotional state was due to guilt….I felt guilty for feeling residual hurt over a failed relationship, when I am in a new relationship. It almost felt like a betrayal….even though the residual feelings were just of hurt, nothing more.

I did talk to my new boyfriend about this….I explained how I felt about it all as best as I could. And he basically told me to do what makes me happy…because when you love someone you want them to be happy, regardless of what it does to you.

So I have done what makes me happy…..

I have changed nothing.

Because there is nothing to change.

Loki-Lou

PS – Your eye candy from the Advent Calendar for December 22nd comes to you from my wonderfully loyal bloggy reader (and buddy?) Ally and my fellow Lancastrian (who needs a bit of cheering up today) Alison: