**This may also be referred to as “crude, rude and lewd”…if you’re a bit sensitive then I suggest you don’t read on – this post includes toilet humour, talk of private regions and whitterings regarding the copious amounts of alcohol consumed**
I am indeed hungover…I haven’t been this hungover since university when I managed to consume 11 pints of assorted lagers, a whole cocktail menu (I mean the actual drinks not the cardboard print-out), 6 shots of Tequila and a strange frothy drink that was down a guy’s pants.
Ok that last statement sounded worse than it actually was – I had basically been dancing on the bar when the dj dared me to drink an alcoholic beverage of unknown ingredients, said beverage was in a metal mixer, said metal mixer was in the barman’s trousers…I was allowed a straw…hmm nope, that description makes it sound worse than the original.
Anyway – all this lovely alcohol was then sloshed together by me drunkenly straddling a bucking bronco (after stealing a bloke’s shirt so I didn’t lose an eye due to a boob attack through my v-neck top) and going for a fifteen minute spin which resulted in me being thrown arse-over-tit from the machine onto a cushioned floor.
As you can imagine my body’s response to this assault was to make me spend the (very early) hours of the morning becoming acquainted with the toilet bowl before passing out in the bath tub.
I haven’t done that since!
Yesterday was a rather more timid affair…I think. Usually I stop drinking alcohol after 4 pints now, I’ve become a bit of a light weight, but for some reason I surpassed that limit last night and stopped counting after my 6th pint! The day started at 2:30pm with a trip to a punk day in Burnley, when my folks and I reached there The Strangeways were just starting their set of The Damned covers (they were pretty awesome by the way!). I am so thankful that my pink Doc Martens are as comfortable as they are for all the boucing around I was doing (give me music, I will dance!).
A few pints in, many a set later, and I was joined by my buddy Steph…and decided we should go for a few drinks somewhere else (where we could talk…talking when punk music is playing is practically impossible!). We hit Wetherspoons…which was pretty pathetic, the karaoke guy had even given up on the empty dance floor and was getting drunk with his mates, the food there was ok though!
We moved swiftly on to Walkabout…which apart from a group of very loud (skimpily dressed) girls, was dead! We got more beer, we got to nattering.
I texted my folks to tell them I was ok.
I also texted the Guitarist to say that “Walkabout was bollocks”.
The Guitarist then texted back to say he was en route to bollocks.
Half an hour later there were four of us at the table…we were all as drunk as each other and the conversation span out of control following this exchange:
Guitarist: “so I’m allergic to cats and when I was away for work one time I was staying in this house”.
The rest of us: “Uh-huh”
Guitarist: “One night there was a lot of scratching at the window, so I open it and seven cats walk in! They were climbing all over the trees!”
Guitarist’s mate (GM): “wait….trees? In the house?”
Guitarist: “You know, plastic things…those weird plastic trees”
GM: “And the cats were all over them?”
Guitarist: “yeah, so I called the owner of the place and told him about it and he said that their mother, Fanny, lives there too. Meanwhile I have red eyes and shit and…what are you laughing at?”
Cue me giggling like a schoolgirl and blurting out “so you could say you’re allergic to fanny then!”
(Note: in the UK “fanny” is also a term given to the female private region).
This folks, THIS, is the level of intelligence I work at when my cells are bladdered! My brain doesn’t feel like intervening when the “I’m a total tit” button is pressed. Luckily the guys saw the funny side and joined in with the uncontrollable giggles!
I have a very dirty sense of humour (as you probably realised when reading the post about the Loki-motion’s accident).
I have also never met someone who can quote Monty Python so brilliantly that I nearly wet myself laughing! We were sat in a kebab house (classy right?) when the Guitarist decided “The Life of Brian” needed discussing…I joined in with the “he’s not the messiah, he’s a very naughty boy” but the rest of it made me laugh so much that I couldn’t process the relevant quotes in my noggin!
I fear I have a bit of a wild side!
PS – I may have also have shared a drunken snog with the Guitarist that I am now kicking myself about! Ah well….time to nurse my hangover.
Today’s song of the day is:
The Lumineers – Ho hey (a great hangover cure!)